Loss

I’ve wanted to write about this for the last month, but I don’t know how. There aren’t enough words to explain the situation. There are not enough tears to cry. My Best Friend lost her beautiful boy just a month before he was due to come into this world. It happened in late October but I’ve been unable to wrap my mind around it. I’m not sure that I know how to talk about it now. But I’m going to try. It’s something I’ve been having a hard time with. And when I have a hard time with something I have a want, a desire to write about it. I guess it’s the English teacher in me.

She went to the hospital because she didn’t feel him moving. When they did the ultrasound they couldn’t find a heartbeat. And the tears overflow. Even seeing this ‘on paper’ hurts in a way that I can’t explain. I was able to go to the hospital the day it happened. I needed to be there. I know I’m not family but I just had to be near her somehow.

I’ve had loss in my life – but this is beyond compare. There are no words for this.

The next day I went to work. Looking back I don’t know how I made it through the day. But again – I needed to be with people. I knew if I sat at home I might just implode. I work with amazing people. They are wonderful friends to me. We were able to cry together and pray together and hold each other and cry some more.

As the hours past and the reality set in, I just kept asking why. I’m not someone who attends church – but I do believe in God. I pray to myself often. I talk to God often. But I have not talked out loud to God in a long time. Over the past six weeks, I’ve talked to God often. I’ve asked for strength. I’ve asked for guidance. I’ve prayed for healing.

I know that baby is in heaven. I know he’s with God. But I want to know why he can be here with my beautiful friend and her amazing husband. I want to know why this had to happen. Bren and I have talked a lot and we know that we’ll never be able to understand what happened. I just hope that I can find peace. I hope that My friend will have peace and healing, and that she and her husband are able to move forward in life without the devastating pain that has been placed upon them.

I know that this will be with them forever. It will be with me forever. It will be something that I think of everyday for a very long time. I know that when I am blessed with a baby of my own I’ll be afraid. I know that there is nothing I can do to stop that fear from coming – but I do know that I can find a quiet spot in my mind to get through that fear and that anxiety. I hope that when She is blessed again with a pregnancy that I can help her find a place of peace and healing.

To be honest – I’m angry with God. I know he’s okay with that. There have been some days when I have felt like I couldn’t get out of bed, and this didn’t happen to me. The strength and faith and peace that she has been able to find in this has been awe inspiring. She and I have cried together but we have also been able to be our normal selves together – laugh and joke and be us. But at the same time I hate that our normal life has been able to come back to us. I wish that her little boy was here with us while we laugh and play. Her strength of character is something that overwhelms me. I know that when I’m having a hard time I think about her strength and it gives me strength to get through whatever sadness overwhelms me.

I know that this is a long journey. I know that there are rough days ahead. She is coming back to school in January and I know that it’s going to be important for me to get strong and prepare for whatever she might need.

Sometimes I feel bad for wanting to help. I don’t want to overstep my boundaries as a friend. She has two sisters who are amazing and I would never want to push my way into somewhere I don’t belong. This is my insecurity, because when I talked to her about this issue or fear or whatever you want to call it she was amazing and said everything a best friend should. She is a source of strength for so many people and I want to be able to be that for her.

A mutual friend of ours said that she and I are “Girl Soul Mates”. I think it must be true. She and I can just look at each other and know what the other one means. There are days ahead that I know I will not see coming. It’s going to be little things that trigger sadness. It’s always that way with loss. Just when you think you aren’t going to be the woman in Target crying in the isle way – something happens and there you are blubbering like a crazy person. Those are the days that make me most nervous. Because I can’t always be there to protect her. I couldn’t protect her from this pain. When you love someone you want to protect them and there is no protection from this.

My prayer has been and will continue to be to find peace and healing, to find a quiet place in my heart for that little boy to live on. He will live a life through the memories of people who love him. I and I do love him so.